WOW is all the one word I can use to describe 2011. It was a year of an up and down roller coaster with health, emotions, friendships, and just life in general. It sounds completely cliche, but I really do feel like a more mature and wiser person. I feel so at peace with the world and my beliefs. I admit I have some days where I cry and say “why did this happen to me”. But then I have days where I feel so calm and know that “everything happens for a reason”. I just keep having HOPE.

I still don’t feel 100%, and I know that it is going to be a long recovery. It has now been THREE months since my surgery! It is so exciting, but yet not the easiest time. I throw up a lot of days. I swear throwing up thousands of times never makes it any easier. In the last couple of weeks I’ve thrown up in the bathroom of the Juicy Couture, rec center during butts and guts class, my own bathroom, Brio restaurant, in a coffee cup while my mom was driving, in a bucket while I was driving, and I’m sure other places I’m forgetting about. AHHHHH throwing up in public places is so icky and no fun. I hate having to lean over the toilet when it could be dirty. As much as I’m throwing up, I do have some good news. MY FOOD DIGESTS NOW!!!!!! =) This means the surgery was a success. YAYAYAYAY!!! That definitely makes me very excited. 

The only perplexing issue is why am I throwing up???? I have a few possibilities that I’ve been thinking about. The first is that I am just so used to being nauseous and throwing up. My stomach just thinks vomiting types of contractions are normal. I am able to deep breathe and not vomit if I am laying down on my bed. It is an extremely miserable process. I am going back on my elavil (amytriptiline) to break the brain-stomach connection. I have also done some research about biofeedback therapy. It sounds very promising…pretty much the basis of what I have read uses deep breathing and trains the brain to not contract the muscles. It has been successful in some nausea cases. My counselor suggested hypnosis. I hadn’t thought about that until she mentioned it, but am very interested in trying it! I am pretty much up for trying anything. The second possibility may be my vitamin b deficiency (I’ll get to that in the next paragraph). I have read that a symptom of deficiency may be nausea. The last thing is that maybe my digestive tract is just learning how to work again. My whole tract was reconstructed so it might be confused. The surgeon did say it would be about a year recovery (my GI said hopefully only 6 months….hoping for that). All I can say is feeling nauseous is completely debilitating. I can fight through pain and ignore it, but feeling severely nauseous means not getting up. Phenergan (nausea med) works wonders, but the downside is that I am so drowsy from it. I try not to take it now unless I absolutely need it. 

This surgery came with some unknown territory for me as well. Before my surgery, I didn’t really ask what any of the long-term effects this new digestive tract would have on me. It wasn’t an option surgery at that point so I didn’t really care. Well vitamin B deficiency is one of my new “fun” health things. The surgeon told me to have my blood checked for vitamin B about 10 weeks after surgery. I finally went and got it checked because I was having some bladder spasms. Geeeeeez me and my annoying health problems. I hate hate hate complaining, but I need to be realistic. Well I guess bladder spasms are common after abdominal surgery and catheter use. I got some muscle relaxants, which I take on occasion. Anyways, I had the nurse check my blood for vitamin B12. I called for my results the next week and was shocked to find out that my levels were “significantly low”. I had no idea what that meant but the nurse told me to come in for injections. My stomach won’t ever properly absorb B12, so I found out injections will most likely be for the rest of my life. That is not so bad considering there is  a treatment. For now I am having injections once a week for 3-4 months. Then about once a month for forever (most likely). They instructed me to take 1000mcg per day (on the bottle it says 16,000% of the daily value) of vitamin B12 on top of the injections. I have some drops that I take but have no idea if they’re actually working. The injections will take about a month to kick in. I kept wondering why I was so tired and sleepy so it’s nice having an explanation at least. I can’t wait until I have more energy again.  My blood level was at 160 pg/mL….sad that I was a science major and am a little confused with the conversions. I’m sure if I sat down and wrote it out I could figure it allllllllll out. Anyways the levels are supposed to be between 200-800. I guess 200 is considered “low” from what I’ve read online and from what the nurse practitioner told me. The doctor wants my level to be at 400…that is perfect for my body to function properly. Getting injections isn’t too awful. I am so used to needles now from shots, IV’s, and blood draws that it really doesn’t bother me anymore. I used to be such a baby even in college about getting shots! I have learned that IM (muscle) injections hurt the worst…that is the type of shot a flu shot is.

Anyways I just kind of wanted to give an update about my health since so many people have shown concern! I also wanted people to know that I am not all better…as much as I wish I was. I hate when people ask how I’m feeling and to not be able to say “back to normal”. I am putting my health number one and that may come across as selfish. I completely understand to a 23 year old how I can seem rude or a bad friend. Young adults (not all but some) can be so incredibly selfish…I know I can be and have been. I hope that this experience has changed me and makes me more caring about people’s problems in the future. I had some incredibly mean words spoken to me by a supposed “best friend” a few weeks ago. I got told this….”I should be all better”, “people with transplants heal faster than I do”, “I’m faking when I’m vomiting”, “I’m self absorbed”, “I can go workout meaning I can go out”, “I am always going to be sick if I think that way”. I was shocked that someone felt this way about me! I cried for a couple days and then decided my life would be better without such cruelty. This friend was awesome when I was in the hospital after surgery but kind of disappeared when I got out. They have no idea what I have been dealing with and have not been to my doctors appointments. If you are a true friend, you can stop by my house and see me. I am able to sometimes go work out in the morning. Mornings are my most energetic time. By night I get sleepy! I would love to go out and dance and drink sugary alcoholic drinks…but that is impossible. I push myself a lot and know when I can’t handle anymore. I don’t see a problem with putting my health first. I want to get better! I am not making myself seem “sick”. I just think it is important to tell the truth. I guess saying I throw up is a bad excuse (too bad it’s not a fake excuse. I wish!!!!). So I’m very sorry if I am awful at returning texts, calling back, or just not up to doing much. When I say I’m too tired or throwing up, I’m not lying or being negative. I am just being realistic. I think reality is what matters at this point in time.  I do say “I’m sorry” a lot to people, which I know gets annoying. My goal for 2012 is to not do that (I’m going to make a goals list later lol). I also feel like such a burden. I feel so bad canceling plans or rescheduling. I don’t want anyone to be stuck taking care of me and hanging out with “little miss sleepy” (aka me) instead of doing something fun! I feel bad for my parents for having to take care of me and worrying them. They are awesome and I am soooooooo lucky. I can never thank them enough. 

Anyways I’m not trying to make this a pity party. I just wanted to let out some feelings and be realistic about myself to other people.  It will get better…I know it! I have so much faith and hope. I really want to go to physical therapy school in another state next year so I have to get my body strong…no option!